Vetting and Negotiating 101

Vetting and Negotiation are two terms commonly used in relation to the beginning phases of seeking out a BDSM partnership or dynamic. But, what do they really mean, and how do you go about navigating them?

Vetting

Vetting is the process of determining if a potential partner is right for you. This is a great way to see “red flags” and maybe “yellow flags” before any play or relationships begin. It can be compared to the "talking stage" or first dates stage. In a BDSM context, you're looking for unethical beliefs, practices, and overall ensuring that you connect with the other person(s) you want to play with.

Ideally, a good potential BDSM partner has good understanding of the following:

• Trust, honesty, respect, and equality

• Communication about expectations, limits, and boundaries.

• Consensual and equal power exchange

Equality is an important premise to follow due to the fact that a partner may be submitting to another. This doesn’t disregard the fact that both persons are equals, but it emphasizes that the submission is equally beneficial for both.

This submission is given to the dominant and they have the RIGHT to revoke it and leave at any time.

If the person has the following behaviors or beliefs, consider that they might not be the right partner for you:

• Behaviors such as making demands that weren’t agreed upon or uncomfortable in nature

• Moving too quickly

• Pressuring into things that you're unsure of

• Comments or questions that make you uncomfortable

• Unwillingness to follow safety guidelines/rules/boundaries

• Lack of communication

• Breaking trust over boundaries  

Vetting can be difficult, as in some dynamics, a lot of it happens online before you actually meet the person. Here are some questions you can ask to inspire conversation in the vetting process:

• What kind of experience do you have in BDSM?

• Do you have any conditions that require special attention or caution?

• Do you smoke/drink/indulge in any substances? If so, what?

• What goals do you have?

• How often do you like to check in and communicate outside of play/scenes?

• Are you just looking for a play partner. D/S relationship, or are you looking for a romantic partner as well?

• What's your level of education. If you went to/are in college, what did you major in?

• Are you monogamous?

• What are your thoughts on TPE?

• How do you see me fitting into your life?

• What are your limits?

• What are your turn ons and turn offs?

• When/how did you get into the lifestyle?

• What past experiences have you had that you loved/hated?

Negotiating

So, you've gotten to know your potential partner and are thinking about moving forward. This part is arguably much easier than the former.

When negotiating a scene, consent and understanding are at the forefront. Ideally, during the vetting stage, you've come to understand what your partner is and is not okay with. In this stage, you and your partner will clearly and deliberately plan out what is going to happen, how it is going to happen, and what happens after. This is less of a debate, which is what we think of when using the word negotiate, and more of a planning session.

Here are examples of topics you may want to negotiate (this is NOT an all-encompassing list):

• Safe words

• Locations of medication or medical devices

• Safety tools use and locations (i.e. safety shears}

• Soft limits

• Penetration

• Oral sex

• Kissing

• Marks

• What you want to feel

• Words you like for certain acts or body parts

• Roles

• Aftercare

Remember these kink philosophies:

SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual)

RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink)

PRICK (Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink)

Experiment safely!